Feeling the Pressure

So my posts are usually contemplative and a tad sassy, but I don't want to skirt the full emotional range involved with what's going on right now. We've got a ton on our plate, and to be frank, it has moments that get a little scary. I'm totally optimistic that I can get an interesting, decently paying job in the city we're moving to, but what that job will be and how long it will take to find is still an unknown. It also costs a lot to move across the country, so you can heap that on too. I have no reason to believe that it would turn out poorly, but it's certainly a possibility. I'm not even sure what things would look like at that point, although my wife and I are pretty resourceful people when push comes to shove.

I wonder if everyone goes through similar feelings when they're expecting. For me the concerns seem to be mainly financial, at least at the moment, but I'm sure for others it's things like the amount of time and energy it takes to raise a baby or the huge lifestyle changes it involves. If you're out zip-lining or bungie-jumping every other weekend, it's not like you can just strap on your kid and pretend things'll stay the same. Child services will be mad at you

Nothing like a little panic to get the blood pumping. At times like these I resort to years of reading and contemplation of Buddhist and spiritual thought. I don't belong to any formal religious practice or anything, but I have read dozens of books on how to approach fears and uncertainty. One of my all-time favorites, Pema Chodron's The Places that Scare You, features a handy quote for just such situations: "Stay, just stay." Besides being easy to remember, the quote suggests that no matter what you're feeling, from terror to bliss, the best thing you can do for yourself is try to learn from the experience. See where you hold the tension in your body. See what life events come bubbling up in your memory. Explore the feeling as honestly as possible. When you face uncertainty or fear directly, it often leads you to a kind of softness. At it's core, fear is the masking of your vulnerability, and acknowledging it can be a source of great strength.

Phew, so without being too maudlin, I'm reminded of my own parents constantly fretting and arguing about money. They were always measuring themselves against some ideal picture, and never living up to it. Indeed, they thought of their woes as strictly external, never examining the place where the fear was felt, and this entailed surrendering a lot of their own sense of agency. I guess the takeaway for me would be for me to remember where the true source of fear resides. It's within, always. You may not be able to rush along the unknowns in the external world, but you can, I think, learn to roll with them.

But mainly I just blame my parents for everything...