A Conversation about Values

The other night we were driving home with a couple of friends and we had an interesting conversation about kids and our plans for instilling good values. This conversation keeps coming up in different contexts, so I thought it was probably worth thinking about. How do you instill good values in a child?

After pondering it for awhile, I came up with a few ideas. I think first you need a theory of how kids learn. For me, it has everything to do with exposure, consistency, and modelling. To be clear this is just a theory, and as we embark upon the reality of the kidventure, who knows how well any of it will hold up. By all means feel free to chime in with your own thoughts in the comments. Here we go:

Exposure:  Kids are gigantic sponges from everything I've seen. Besides leeching off your resources, they soak in the world and its endless variety constantly. They don't just learn in traditional ways. They copy things, they try them out, they test them, they blunder through them, they invent. They explore not just the stated functions of objects and environments but new ways to break them and create new functions (think forts). They're flexible. They're capable of fully immersing themselves in and appreciating new experiences. I'd imagine this is why parents always say they learn to see the world in a new way by having children. Kids are polymorphous in their intentions. They play. The only adults who think like this are artists, and they're weird.

When it comes to exposure, then, I think it's key to do as much as possible with kids, not only so that they get used to going to museums or whatever, but so they get used to going out and finding wonder in the world. I pride myself on being a lifetime learner, but I know I'm going to have to push myself to get out and see new things every day when junior comes along. Really, you could think of this as a way of leeching back form your kids. I'm always looking for new ways to do that. Sweet.


Consistency: By this I mean a couple of things. First, there's the obvious need to provide consistent rules across both parents. It's fine to have differing opinions to teach the value of perspectives, but when it comes to things like candy or video games, I think it's critical that the rules never change. I also mean consistency in terms of consequences. If some misbehaviour gets a time out one time, it's a time out every time. I think consistency's important to emphasize because, to quote the Dalai Lama, "You have to learn the rules so that you know how to break them properly." It's valuable to understand structure; it helps you challenge it in creative ways later on in life.

By the way, I fear the day my kid tests this one on me. I hope I remember to be proud and not just huffy.


Modelling: By this I obviously mean taking every opportunity to strike a pose. Blue steel, Magnum, the whole repertoire needs to come out. You never know when the cameras will start flashing. Beyond the obvious meaning of being hot and glamorous all the time, I also mean participating in the behaviours you'd like your kid to emulate. To do this, I'd imagine you have to think about what those behaviours are in advance and throughout the child-raising experience. It comes back to what I said about kids being sponges. They will soak up the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you're scared to question things, your kid will learn that. If you let laziness or fear of uncertainty prevent you from doing what you want, your kid will learn that. If you constantly try new things, your kids will learn to do that. Call that sponginess the hypocrite's undoing and the parent's ultimate attempt to establish a New Year's Resolution.

Another big one for me personally is giving the kid room to grow. I'm not really going to be of the camp that shouts with awe at every crappy drawing the kid makes. I think the biggest thing is to ask, "Do you like it?" without judgement or didactic intention. Giving them room to grow also means (for me) knowing when not to helicopter. I've just heard about this whole helicopter parenting phenomenon, where you hover over every activity your kid does, helping instantly should anything present even the slightest challenge. I'm sure it comes from a good place, but the fact is the world is not always easy, and it's important to learn how to face challenges with your own enthusiasm and self-confidence. I wonder about what need such a parenting style is fulfilling for the adult...

Phew! That was a long one. I may delve more thoroughly into helicopter parenting tomorrow, so stay tuned!