So yesterday I was noticing that my partner was looking oddly slimmer than she has in a awhile. I thought nothing of it, but then she mentioned it, too, a little later in the day. It seems her belly has creeped upwards, to the point where she's carrying the baby totally differently now. It's all tucked away in her abdomen, like she's gone from being clearly pregnant back to looking slightly bloated. Pregnancy is weird.
She also noticed that her belly button has changed this week, another one they don't tell you much about in the baby books. It's not a full-on outie yet, but it's in this kind of transitional state. It's like a shallowey. I also wondered if my own sympathetic pregnancy is expressing itself as fuller fingernails. I can't seem to cut them fast enough these days. Maybe I'm just lazy, though. That's definitely a possibility.
Anyway, not much else to report this fine day. I hope you had a wonderful week. Things have been hectic in these parts, and I've been vividly imagining all that's going to happen when we get settled in our new city. Who will our friends be? What will our hang out spots look like? How will the trip westwards be? We just need to stay focused for the next couple of weeks, and it will all unfold swimmingly, I'm sure.
Thanks for reading, and have yourself a great weekend!
Our apartment for Vancouver is now secured. It looks like baby's first home will be a ground-level apartment with hardwood floors and a decent amount of space (and killer rent!) We're also in a fun, liveable, walkable neighbourhood, mainly to keep ourselves sane as the coming insanity unfolds (Marpole if you're familiar with Van). We've got one out of two jobs taken care of, and we're knocking off our final Ottawa obligations and mindfully saying our goodbyes one by one. We'll be hitting the road to drive out to BC in three short weeks! I had another thought after yesterday's post. If you recall, I was talking about the fears that occasionally come up as you're presented with a bunch of unknowns. Basically, I don't think I acknowledged squarely enough how important it is to celebrate the victories and accomplishments you've already had. While my parents were spending so much time fretting about money as I was growing up, they weren't acknowledging the good things we did have. We were all well fed. We always had a roof over our heads and new clothes. We lived in a really beautiful city, with stunning natural settings. There was a ton of possibility everywhere we looked. To put it bluntly, I think that by always focusing on what you don't have, you end up miserable. So indulge me in a brief tally, if you will. I have a smart, beautiful wife, and a kid on the way. I have an amazingly loving and supportive family and fantastic friends. I have the cutest 15-year-old cat in the world. I have a PhD in a discipline I love. To boot, I'm moving to a city that I've wanted to live in for the past ten years. I have been able to spend the past year writing and learning and thinking. In brief, life is good. The point is that true happiness comes from gratitude. Gratitude focuses on the present, and I honestly feel that over time it opens up great things for the future. I say this not in some mystical sense, but just because I think good things come to people who are open and happy and thankful. I'm thankful that you read this blog, and I hope that you, too, find yourself reasonably happy. If I must tie all this meandering monologue back to the relevant topic at hand, babies, I think that it will be important to set the example of gratitude for the baby when it arrives. We may not all end up with the Lamborghini of baby strollers or the Fallingwater of living spaces, but if we fixate on that, then we're missing that fact that we have the luxury, among other things, of being able to sit around reading about babies on the Internet of computers.
So my posts are usually contemplative and a tad sassy, but I don't want to skirt the full emotional range involved with what's going on right now. We've got a ton on our plate, and to be frank, it has moments that get a little scary. I'm totally optimistic that I can get an interesting, decently paying job in the city we're moving to, but what that job will be and how long it will take to find is still an unknown. It also costs a lot to move across the country, so you can heap that on too. I have no reason to believe that it would turn out poorly, but it's certainly a possibility. I'm not even sure what things would look like at that point, although my wife and I are pretty resourceful people when push comes to shove. I wonder if everyone goes through similar feelings when they're expecting. For me the concerns seem to be mainly financial, at least at the moment, but I'm sure for others it's things like the amount of time and energy it takes to raise a baby or the huge lifestyle changes it involves. If you're out zip-lining or bungie-jumping every other weekend, it's not like you can just strap on your kid and pretend things'll stay the same. Child services will be mad at you Nothing like a little panic to get the blood pumping. At times like these I resort to years of reading and contemplation of Buddhist and spiritual thought. I don't belong to any formal religious practice or anything, but I have read dozens of books on how to approach fears and uncertainty. One of my all-time favorites, Pema Chodron's The Places that Scare You , features a handy quote for just such situations: "Stay, just stay." Besides being easy to remember, the quote suggests that no matter what you're feeling, from terror to bliss, the best thing you can do for yourself is try to learn from the experience. See where you hold the tension in your body. See what life events come bubbling up in your memory. Explore the feeling as honestly as possible. When you face uncertainty or fear directly, it often leads you to a kind of softness. At it's core, fear is the masking of your vulnerability, and acknowledging it can be a source of great strength. Phew, so without being too maudlin, I'm reminded of my own parents constantly fretting and arguing about money. They were always measuring themselves against some ideal picture, and never living up to it. Indeed, they thought of their woes as strictly external, never examining the place where the fear was felt, and this entailed surrendering a lot of their own sense of agency. I guess the takeaway for me would be for me to remember where the true source of fear resides. It's within, always. You may not be able to rush along the unknowns in the external world, but you can, I think, learn to roll with them. But mainly I just blame my parents for everything...
So as I've mentioned numerous times, we're moving to Vancouver at the end of September. We'll likely be moving into a small, one-bedroom apartment because of that city's outrageous real estate prices and what we can afford right now. If wanted something more burby, we could probably have a bit more space, but the city is calling to us. Loudly.
I'm cool with the trade off, and my wife and I have discussed its benefits a bunch of times. Ideally, we'll live in a busy neighbourhood with tons of shops, parks, and amenities within walking distance. We'll be able to escape our shoebox by going out to coffee shops or just moseying around. We'll be able to go hang out by the ocean if we need a little veg time. While we want our place to feel like a home, it'll have an element of just being the place where we sleep (or don't, as the case may be with baby).
Naturally I want to live in a gigantic, beautiful palace overlooking the sea, and I do believe someday this could happen, but it's also somewhat of a relief knowing that our kid is going to be completely oblivious to his or her surroundings. It's one of the mercies of starting a family when you're still trying to get settled into your careers. An infant is as happy with a bottle of bubbles as an Aston Martin, probably more so. You can buy a dozen white onesies, and you've pretty much got the kid's dream wardrobe taken care of. All of the money we could be spending at baby Prada will just have to go into an RESP. No worries.
Anyway, it's all a huge adventure, and I can't wait to see the life we end up building. It's thrilling -- the possibility of starting to put down real roots somewhere. We've been in perpetual grad student transition mode for our adult lives thus far, and the thought of being able to meaningfully participate in a city's growth and identity is appealing to say the least, even if it initially takes place from one of its a teeniest, tiniest corners!
In the last two weeks I've been to two weddings, in both of which I was a groomsman. I've been traveling back and forth across the country, looking for a job, looking for an apartment, trying to finish my novel, and trying to achieve total enlightenment, which is an ongoing thing. In short, I've been super busy and that's why my posts have been a little scattered (and non-existent some days). Sorry about that. We soldier on!
So where's junior at? Today we opened a baby account to help manage our funds for cribs, strollers, breast pumps and all the other necessities. My partner is now showing with pretty much the cutest little bump I could imagine. I've also taken to pointing it out to everyone we talk to, just in case they don't notice. This was fun at the weddings. People really freak out when you haven't seen them for awhile and you tell them about expecting. It turns out that one my long lost cousins is also going to be a dad soon. It's raining babies!
It's true, if not literally. I've noticed that somewhere around ten people I know are having babies this year. I thought for sure as I hit thirty that I'd belong to a barren generation, but here they come! I can't tell this baby bonanza is an age thing, or if it's just a cultural thing right now. Can it be "in" to have a baby? I remember a few years ago when all of those teenage girls at that school in the States decided to have a mass baby-fest. Are my friends doing the same thing? For us it had everything to do with our age. I don't kow about the others. I'll ask and report back.
Baby's the size of an onion this week. We're nearly half way through the pregnancy. If all goes well we find out the sex on September 13th. I know I'll be happy either way, though I feel like I'll be a little sad that it wasn't the opposite sex of whatever it ends up being. I have such an easy time picturing both. Perhaps we'll just have to do Baby Daddy Blog part 2!
Last night I was laying in bed awake while my wife was passed out beside me, as is often the case. I kept on obsessing about reaching over and putting my hand on her belly, but I didn't want to wake her up, and she was already having a restless enough sleep. I left her alone, but I REALLY like the idea of being able to feel junior moving around in there. I've heard it moves around more after you stop, so while I'm sitting there awake, it's prime contact time.
She says she hasn't felt anything definite yet. That hasn't prevented me from constantly resting my hand on her tummy and swearing that I feel it moving around in there. I mean, I feel something. It might just be my twitchy hand, but I can believe. I love the idea of this little sleepy, swimming little being just floating around in there and dreaming itself into existence. Occasionally kicking or twitching if it feels compelled. Part me, part her. It seems like its world would be so comfortable and cozy.
I find it kind of interesting that as we grow up the world's edges get more and more solid. We start off in our soft little cavern and gradually move into our hard-edged houses.Language starts as a blur of sounds and eventually becomes big words like osteoporosis. We create new soft spaces for future generations to inhabit. I don't think I've ever thought of the world in terms of cycles of hard and soft, but there you go. Miracle of children and all that.
Anyway, I'm super excited to really, definitely feel this little critter move. Right now it's the size of an avocado, and is only starting to develop any fat cells. In other words, It's super wimpy. I kind of like that it doesn't need to be stronger, but it makes me feel like I better do a damned good job of protecting it until it can protect itself. We're crossing over into the fifth months at this point. It's unfolding fast!
So we're definitely moving to Vancouver in October, come hell or high water. It's damned exciting, if slightly rife with unknowns. One of the positive things we heard from a lot of people on our recent trip out there is that it's a "baby-friendly city." To most people this means lots of doctors, daycares, stores, services, and recreation venues. I'm glad about all of these because they sure ease the tension in terms of what we'll need to seek out.
There's one other kind of "baby friendly" that gets less discussion, but I'm hoping we'll somehow be able to locate it, too. I'm talking about the freedom to raise a young one in a way that doesn't view the kid as a mere object to be dressed up and decorated and decked out with all the latest fads. I like the idea of raising the youngster in an environment that's stimulating and fun but not obsessed with squeezing a productive activity out of every free second. Sure it would be cool for the kid to know Mandarin, French, piano, and violin by the time it's five, but I truly believe a childhood based on exploration and joy is far more important.
I want to be able to find a community that sees things in a similar way. Something that's a blend of laid back and supportive. If every scrap of energy is funneled into an activity that I think is important or valuable, how is the kid supposed to ever learn anything about him or herself, let alone the world around? Most people I now do what they "should" be doing about about 10% of the time, so why would it make sense to impose some kind of "proper" behaviour on a child's every waking moment?
When you turn the question around a few different ways, it comes down to one of what the most valuable traits are to have as you grow and learn. In general, I believe that things like curiosity, creativity, and enthusiasm are far more valuable than the specifics in the long run. Although unstructured play may take a slightly more sophisticated form when you're an adult, it's still in my experience the best generator of ideas and a sense of connection. There will be plenty of time to take those Mandarin classes, but you only get to see the world for the first time once.
So my partner and I were away for the last week for my brother's wedding (Congrats Andrew and Fatima!), and a lot of my relatives found out about the coming baby for the first time. It was kind of hilarious because most of them kind of went "meh" when they found out about my PhD (they didn't really get it), but they totally understood the whole baby thing. They were losing it. It made me feel like we belonged! We also received our first baby gifts from our friends and my mother-in-law, including a ducky towel, a lamby doll, a Sophie the Giraffe, and a very generous cheque. It's so exciting to get these, because it helps us start imagining what the baby's environment is going to be like. It's going to be hard to stay cool with such cuteness overload, but I'll do my best. Actually, who am I kidding... Cool people don't use the word "Cool." I also started reading my first baby book on the plane today. It's called Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting , and, as the title suggests, it's about an American woman's explorations of the unique and rather brilliant style of parenting many use in France. My wife just finished reading it and she was rapturous about how great it was, and I thought it was about time I hit one of these parenting books to see what all the fuss is about. I'm enjoying it so far. I'll keep you posted. Anyway, I'm exhausted from a day of travel, but I promise a longer and at least moderately coherent post tomorrow. I just didn't want to be truant from the blog any longer!
Yesterday was checkup day, and all went well. Apparently wifey's uterus is at 16 weeks, even though the baby is at 15, whatever that means (something to do with size and placement, I believe). The baby's heartbeat was 136bpm, which I'm told is healthy. Of note, as they were using the Doppler machine to check the heartbeat, the baby kicked the mic. Born rock star for sure. Obviously getting ready to trash hotel rooms.
One of the funniest things that's been happening lately is that my wife feels like she's going through a second puberty. She keeps telling me how weird it is to look in the mirror and see everything changing size and color so rapidly. I can just imagine how crazy it's going to be when she can actually feel the baby moving around. Her little bump is so cute right now, but, given the speedy growth and early stage she's in, that thing's going to get HUGE! I keep teasing her about it, but I actually think the whole thing's amazing. Maybe it's because we have such an egalitarian relationship, but I keep thinking my body should be going through some kind of change too. I guess I get my change when I don't sleep for three months and have my life force sucked from me. Just kidding, baby! I'm SUPER looking forward to it....
Please note that I'll be away next week for my little brother's wedding, so my posts will be patchy if at all. I know I've been a bit hit and miss this week, too, but hopefully some travel gets the inspiration going. Today's post aside, I'm really trying to add a bit more depth to my posts in an effort to challenge myself and keep the readership engaged. I can't believe we're already nearing a hundred posts! Don't forget to tell your friends about Baby Daddy Blog, and have yourself a wonderful little weekend!
While this post is coming later than usual, I promised I'd talk about this topic today and by golly I am a man of my word.
So, what are helicopter parents?
A friend of mine was telling me a story the other day about how his brother goes to every one of his kid's soccer practices, along with every other kid's parents. My friend was not impressed with this state of affairs. With no small amount of frustration, he went on about the good old days when kids used to just go do this stuff without any supervision. I totally understand where he was coming from. I used to go to soccer practice by myself, and it was fun. I'm sure it was fun for my parents, too, to get some free babysitting for a couple hours. They watched the games, and that was enough.
The funny part of the story was that none of the parents really seemed to want to be at these practices. They all felt obligated because of all the social pressure. Part of it was that you wouldn't want to be the parent whose kid got injured while you were away gallivanting across the countryside. That would obviously make you a horrible person. Plus you'd be the recipient of much disdain if God forbid someone had to drive your kid to the hospital. Knowing the way things work these days, you'd have child services called on you for neglect. Bad news all around. Then there's the whole possibility of sexual abuse, which is another post unto itself....
There's something tremendously upsetting about this state of affairs, and I have a tough time putting my finger on it. It has something to do with the levels of mistrust and isolation involved. Part of it is that everyone is acting like the family is a unit that must be completely self-contained and separate from any larger kind of community. You can't trust the other parents. You can't trust the coaches. You definitely can't trust the kindness of strangers. So you must act as if everyone is a potential enemy. They either want to abuse your kid or report you for abuse, so you must sacrifice every moment of your entire life to hover over your child and fawn over his or her every movement. No wonder so many people feel unfulfilled these days. Soccer practices are fucking boring. I know. I used to go to them all the time.
What gets lost in the shuffle, too, is the kid's sense of independence. I'm not saying that kids should just be abandoned to roam the streets, but I do wonder what kind of compromise can be struck, if any. The problem is that you do have to trust others at some point. That's what it boils down to, and I have no idea why the world is so short on it these days. The economy? A major outbreak of perverts? I have a feeling it probably has a lot to do with the media's obsession with fear mongering, but I'm more interested in the solution. I don't have the full answer, but I think it probably has a lot to do with a return to the ideals of community. Shut off the news, which is just stupid anyway, and talk to your neighbours. Get to know the people who are involved with your kids' lives, and not just by Googling them. The astoundingly vast majority of people aren't evil, and they probably see things in much the same way you do, but you have to be willing to open the gated community of your heart and let them a little ways in (that was meant to be a tad melodramatic, btw).
I'm of course not talking to you, but me. I hope that when it comes time for my kid to start participating in school and life, I am able to strike some kind of balance. All I can do in the mean time is consciously question every decision I make and hope for the best. I'd love to hear what other parents and parents-to-be have to say about the topic. Weigh in in the comments!
|
RSS Feed
